Away from my own bed and having drunk too much caffeine, I am sleepless with something on my mind. It's something I feel very strongly about and I take a lot of flack for it. I won't shy away from exactly how I feel and if you take issue with it, well, just bring it on.
Winnie the Pooh.
That's right. Disney's so-called loveable "huney"-eating bear and friend of Christopher Robbin.
Pooh is not allowed in my home. He never has been.
I'm not kidding- and if you know me, you know this is true.
I can't stand Winnie the Pooh- and here's why.
1) He's a bad example for kids- he's illiterate. "Huney?" Come on! How hard is it to spell? If he can write that much, he can learn to spell correctly.
2) He's a glutton. Hello? Moderation? He gets his freakin' HEAD stuck in the honey pot he's such a pig.
3) He doesn't wear pants. Yeah, I know, he's a bear and bears don't wear pants. EXACTLY! Then why the shirt- which doesn't even fit? I mean, if you're going to cover up a body part, shouldn't it be the bear goodies? That shirt is way too small and ill-fitting, either get a new shirt, buy a pair of pants and go shirtless or just lose the clothes altogether, you know, like an animal should do?
4) He's an embarrassment to bears everywhere. Yes, as a matter of fact I have spoken to them, and they are mortified. He's a wimpy, wishy washy, poor excuse for a bear. You're a bear, dude, BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
5) His last name means crap.
Need I say more?
My children have never missed Pooh's presence. With so many other Disney characters, Pooh never cracked the top 20. Someone gave my oldest a Pooh hat- snuck it right under my radar- just to get me mad. I didn't have the heart to throw it away. So for a winter I had to look at that orange bear. Both of my kids laughed hysterically when we saw the "B Movie' when Pooh gets offed for stealing honey. I'm such a good influence.
So your next question (after "Are you drunk?" and no I am not) is "Well, how about Tigger? or Eyore and Piglet? No, no problem with them. Sure, Tigger is slightly ADHD and Eyore is depressed but at least they don't wear half an outfit. And Piglet? Well who could not like that cute little pig? And he's suitably clothed.
So, there you have it. I'm sure if a shrink is reading this, he or she is trying to figure out how to get me in the office but really, I've felt this way for at least thirty years. When one of my students wears a Pooh sweatshirt or shows a Pooh folder (yes, even in high school) I cringe and wait until they are about to leave to tell them what a rotten influence Pooh is- and how much smarter and clever Garfield is. This inevitably makes pictures of Pooh appear on my board the next day, or "VIVA POOH" written on the board before I get to the room. They think I'm kidding.
But I'm not. I detest Pooh.
That is all.